"The woman came and taunted me. She was beautiful as a frozen flame of Hell."

ROBERT E. HOWARD
The Frost Giant’s Daughter
1934

"Them things will kill you," a feeble voice mumbled, sounding ethereal due to the echo supplied by the sterile hall of the nursing home facility.

Earl exhaled the smoke of the long cigar, directing it out of an open window in the glassed in solarium. His green eyes glanced down the hallway to see the elderly man gravitating toward him with the use of a steel walker. "Oh, hop off that ride, Jerry. I’m seventy-five, I got a full head of hair and my wiener still works. I’ve been smoking since I was eleven. What happens if I stop now? I get sick and die in five years?"

Jerry paused, closed his burgundy robe a little, and then ran a withered hand over his balding scalp. "Heh. I’d settle for a bit more hair. Cover another old tart, Casanova?"

While the old man joined him, Earl cinched up his navy blue robe and leaned on the handrail. Earl chuckled and nodded, his back legs dancing a jig. "Oh sure. I cannot wait until my natural abilities slacken, Jerry. Since the baby boomers are so scared of getting a limp rope, they invented this new Viagra cure, so my hobbies will go on forever!"

Jerry coughed and took a few heavy breaths, his color worsening. "God bless you, jackass. Who was it, Mildred?"

Earl shook his head from side to side as he stopped his dancing and stood straight again. "No, she stroked out last week. Poor girl, she gave it her all while she could. It was Audrey this time."

With weary eyes Jerry glanced at him before saying, "Moving up to redheads and down in the age category? I hear Audrey was an aerobics instructor in Springfield."

Earl winked at him and stated, "Get some Viagra and take her on. I’m not picky. I provide a service to the blue haired brigade of Mary Haven!"

"Acht! Viagra is for men who have a spine left. Besides, these shriveled up leftovers don’t do anything for me."

Earl drummed his fingers on the railing and confessed, "Me neither." He then patted his forehead with his index finger and said, "It’s all in here, bud. They can be Rita Heyworth or Brittany Spears for all they know."

"Pah!" Jerry imitated a spit and shivered. "May as well use your hand."

A green car pulled up outside the solarium and Earl replied tersely, "Never said I didn’t have arthritis!"

The men shared a laugh as a tall man in his forties walked close to the Solarium door. It was locked, of course, and the security guard approached him. An argument ensured and the security man looked at the old men. The younger man waved at Earl.

The spry old man scampered over to the doorway and the security guard opened the door. Immediately, the young man stumbled through the opening and embraced Earl. "Josh, Josh, what happened?"

"Oh Christ, Pa! It’s terrible!"

Earl patted Josh on the shoulders and murmured, "Tell Papa all about it, son."

* * *

The next morning Jerry again navigated the hallway on the way to breakfast with slow determination. A broken hip wouldn’t be on his agenda, he thought. Dressed in slacks and a red sweater, the old man spotted Earl sitting on the couch in the Solarium.

"Christ and his cronies, Earl! You have been here all night?"

The usually bubbly, smiling man gave Jerry a dour look. Still wearing his bathrobe and pajamas, Earl looked deflated. "I ran up against the one bitch I couldn’t tame."

"Huh?"

"Destiny," Earl muttered, his arthritic hands gripping a black cane Jerry never had seen before. "A man has to do what he has to do. Only a person in my unique position can handle this assignment. I thought my days of fixing problems were over."

"What are you talking about?"

"I’ve got to be going soon."

"You just got back from a cruise! High hard one on the high seas, you said. I wish I had your money!"

Earl’s deadly serious expression never changed. "Money doesn’t make the world go around but it certainly greases the axle. You know, when one thinks that their past is buried and a legitimate life gave them happiness and a meager retirement, destiny crashes back in."

Jerry blinked. "What happened?"

Earl stood up and sighed. "I will be leaving after breakfast. See you then."

As Earl started to walk away Jerry called, "Where are you going?"

"Oh, probably to prison or the wacky house. I’ve escaped the touch of justice too long and cleanly. Now, I must go throw my nuts in the gears of chance. If a man cannot piss into the breath of fate at seventy-five, when can he?"

Soon, Jerry saw his friend again. Dressed in a dark suit Earl headed through the dining hall waving and winking, imparting a few kisses as he went. The old man carried only two small bags and a cane. This struck Jerry as odd for if there was one man who could still be limber enough for a foot race it was Earl. He stopped by Jerry’s table and placed a small leather packet on the breakfast tray. Two other old men looked up at Earl, but the fourth old man at the table never raised his eyes. He was more intent on cereal and milk than the flashy ladies' man Earl.

"See you later Jerry. I’m off to insure my grandchildren will go to college and be provided for."

Confused, Jerry asked, "I figured a smart fella had that all seen to by now!"

Earl tilted his head to one side and sighed. "One would think, but one cannot live their children’s lives for them."

Jerry demanded, "Was that your son last night? What happened?"

Soothing down his golden tie, Earl ran a thumb across his dapper mustache and stated, "My grandson was molested by a predator, and this man is a serial pedophile. However, this monster’s employer covered his behind quite well. He carries on in his dark ways. One of the children he assaulted recently, aside from my grandson, was a grand-nephew twice removed of a triggerman for Al Capone."

Jerry gasped, "Holy Crow! Well, I wouldn’t want to be that fella!"

Earl smiled. "You don’t understand. This family is legit and has no ties to the olden ways. Nevertheless, they are wealthy and are willing to give up some cash to the right man to solve their problem."

"Earl! They’ll put you away!" Jerry exclaimed.

The old man shrugged. "I’m a survivor, Jerry. Anyway, right is right. Here, a parting gift to you."

Jerry squinted at the bag. "What is this?"

"Viagra, man. Couple months supply."

"Huh?"

Earl winked at him. "I was full of shit, Jerry. I haven’t been able to find my dick with a four-man search party in years. Enjoy. Live on the edge. Be happy while you can."

* * *

Earl Legato sat on the small bench and sighed. He licked his lips, did the math and divided by how many grandchildren he had. Assured the cash was transferred, he took ahold of his cane and made two fists on its middle.

"How long since your last confession?" a voice asked from very nearby.

With a quick twist, the cane’s pieces rotated in opposite directions and Earl asked, "Father Demtrius Waller?"

"Yes, my son. Tell me your sins."

Earl brought the disconnected top end up to his face, blew on the 5-inch blade that protruded from the cane and looked to his right. With no more hesitation, he thrust the blade through the webbed partition, impaling the priest in the middle of his chest. Busting through the barrier himself, face to face with the priest, Earl removed the blade and jammed it in again. A man of feeble powers would’ve never been able to pierce the ribcage of the priest, Earl knew. Positive he severed the aorta; Earl was splashed in the face with a geyser of blood. This fount of crimson seemed to lessen the more the shocked expression of the padre receded on his face.

When Earl left the confessional, he grunted, worried perhaps Alzheimer’s disease was setting in. He couldn’t recall how many times he stabbed the evil man of the cloth.

* * *

Earl was found guilty of premeditated murder by the Cook County court and on appeal was sentenced to an elder care prison facility. There, he was the most virile amongst dying or elderly murderers and was once reprimanded for sleeping with one of the middle aged female therapists.

At the age of eight five, still spry and far more well read than before, Earl was released. He returned to Mary Haven Nursing Home in Joliet and was visited regularly by his grandchildren, everyone a college graduate.

Earl moved a bit slower for all of his years in a different nursing home, but still enjoyed good mobility. It disappointed him that he couldn’t find many of the old friends he made during his last stay in Mary Haven. At last, he met David Davidson, former lawyer from Bloomington, Illinois, aged ninety-five. Confines to a bed, old Davidson wore a look of recognition when Earl asked him, "What every happened to Jerry?"

"Jerry?" David rasped as he looked up from his bed. "Let me see here…"

"The fellow I said good bye to as I left. You were eating breakfast with him. Sorry. I'm sure I’m asking too much."

David thought for a long time and then said, "Oh, he died."

Not stunned by this revelation, Earl questioned him further. "How many years after I left?"

"Oh, couple weeks. Went out the way I wish I could go. Trying to get a nut on an old woman. Don’t ask me to remember her name. Real scandal they hushed up. Poor sumbitch had a bad ticker, yet he was on Viagra."

"A shame."

David snorted, "Like Hell. I’d pay a thousand dollars to die that way."

Earl chuckled, "Yeah, one should always make the most of life and its opportunities."

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